This is not a self-help post!
For that human (or bot?) who’s excited to read this post because they hope to hit those bullet points real soon which will explain in great details what my headline (topic?) has said, I repeat, This is not a self-help post! I learnt that people would sooner visit your blog/site if your posts read something like, “How to Blow the Biggest Bubble with Your Chewing Gum and make Smacking Sounds with your Gum”. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I really suck at those (Self-Help-sounding topics, I mean); so Ya! I admit that I totally deceived you with this. This post is nothing but pure rant.
And you will read it. Or, so help me, I’ll throw a messy fit!
It’s Wednesday; and the time is precisely 4:08pm.
I’m fagged out.
Lethargic. And for the life of me, I can’t figure out why the heck I’m feeling like it’s Monday morning.
Wait, I felt the exact same way on Monday!
Like, it’s taking me some serious effort to blink righ’ now. Who placed dumbbells on my eyelids when I wasn’t looking? Who!
My thoughts are not even following a straight, logical path.
No, I’m not sick. I just finished inhaling a plate of half-cold rice and chicken stew, so I think we can safely assume that this lethargy thing is selective with some parts of my anatomy. Yes, my hands and chewing organs aren’t affected.
Lose the judgy hat, will you.
Aaaand…looking at the time now, since I started writing this post last year, it reads 4:10pm. Ergo, only two minutes have passed! I’m not even kidding right now.
Did the earth suddenly pause mid-rotation to hitch a ride on the back of a 20-year-old snail, or what?
I think I’m ready for the day to be over. I was ready two decades ago. How do I hurry through the motions and get to the part where I’m curled up in my bed beneath blankets two feet thick, reading a book or watching hilarious, rib-hurting episodes of ‘Life in Pieces’?
Let me know when you spot the hyperbole up there.
For real though. I feel like there ought to be a special remote control where I can literally hit this button ‘>>’ and then I get to the part where I’m eyeball-deep in the million dollars.
Hey Techies, when are y’all gonna innovate such ground-breaking genius? We’re in the automation age so, this is a very valid question!
Let’s just skip through all the drama of life that requires me chugging down cups of coffee daily to stay woke.
Why do I have to go through this entire process anyway?
Why can’t GOD just snap HIS almighty fingers and serve me my huge breakthrough on a nice diamond-studded platter?
Why do I gotta pray and work so hard ’til I hit gold?
Or do I even gotta? I mean, there are real-life folks who have never come into contact with mud, except when they’re lying face-up in a spa somewhere in Hawaii…and it’s smeared on their faces. LEGIT!
And speaking of mud; Why do I have to get beat by the rain?
Oh, did I forget to mention that four days prior, on my way out of the house to church, while the heavens were releasing cats-and-dogs-like rains on us mortals, a car whizzed by. You know how terrible the roads in the inner parts of Lagos are, right? Yea, so the driver bumped into a really wet puddle; the dictates of nature and physics (whatever) said ‘Amen’ and guess what happened?
Muddy water splashed!
My mouth! Inside my mouth. Can you hear me wailing loudly? I’m throwing a shameless tantrum here at the memory!
In reality though, I was so stunned at the time. Have you ever been so upset and pained, you can only respond with a forced smile, ’cause, heaven help you, you’re this close to bursting into pathetic tears?
And now, a good friend has just informed me that what I’m feeling is ‘Midweek Lethargy’. I had no clue such a thing even existed!
Is that really it, though?
Or just me questioning again, as I have a thousand times before now,
With a loud huff, my eyes flitted to my watch involuntarily.
I did mention that this was not a self-help post.